Today you have reached the dizzying heights of 16 weeks. I watch you play on your mat this morning after an early rise of 6.30am and I am quite impressed with how tall you are, how beautiful you are and generally how far you’ve come. This morning you’re a pleasure to watch and play with. You’re happy, smily, content, relaxed, engaged. So easy to love. How different you were yesterday afternoon. I watched all the other NCT mum’s with their babies. Although disgruntled, they were generally content and easy to settle. I’m sure in reality you didn’t actually cry that much but you did need a lot of attention and it all felt like one drawn out cry. And mummy was drained. 5pm came and I had to hand you over to daddy. Mummy’s ears were shot. There is the normal cry and then there’s a secondary cry you have developed when you like to up the ante and I can only liken it to a cat being throttled.
How can such a little person hold so much power? The tyranny. Your wish is my command and I am at your service my every waking hour, 24/7. Your cries are piercing like little bullets that have the ability to mar my whole day. How can a sound be so draining? It can be tough to smile at you on those days, tough to believe that anything I am doing will calm you down, tough not to get angry or raise my voice. I have to try to strike the right balance with giving you love and responding when you cry or start getting moody, with giving you enough space to sort things out in your own mind and let you have a mini moan if you need to. But sometimes even when I give in to being yours all day long, forget the housework! you still won’t be helped. You see I do try, everyday, but unless you will allow yourself to be appeased, nothing will help you.
I’ll come right out and say it. I feel guilty for complaining about you. A mother should be overjoyed about her new little life, not moaning about it. Lucky, not thinking about all your bad points. But I can’t help it. You cry. A lot. And it’s unbelievably draining. One thing that gives me confidence and takes the weight off my shoulders a bit is that even when I give you to people who know what to do with babies, who have a calm persona, you still do not yield. i.e. it’s not something I’m doing wrong, you simply cry a lot. You’ve cried from the very start. I could say that it’s the teething or the growing pains you’re probably feeling. But there’s no way to mask it. You have your good days and your bad days, but you always cry. Thank God you sleep through the night, but on the flip side you cry a lot during the day. It could be worse, but it could be better. I must admit you’re much easier to manage when 1) there’s someone else to share the entertaining with 2) I have slept enough 3) we’re at home and I can put you down for a nap and walk away allowing you to settle yourself.
Today I am physically exhausted from constantly picking you up yesterday. I have a lump on my left nip which again is making breastfeeding more painful. I am emotionally worn down and tired… very tired. I know sleep will help manage it all a bit more because the crying sadly will continue.
When you are good, you are truely amazing. When you’re good, I forget how hard it can be. On the tougher days, I try to remind myself that most things are just a phase. But who ever said growing and developing a little human was ever going to be easy. I love you immensely, I just look forward to the day when there’s a little less crying but I’m sure it will just be replaced by something else.