Day 317: My first holiday without her

I wanted to think of a witty title. I’m off to New York today. On my own,  child free. Jet-setting off to see my sister for a great 6 days away for a one on one hen party. This is going to be awesome. It’s a change in my life, a break, a holiday. I have something to look forward to… getting my sister drunk for 4 days in one of the world’s coolest cities, not having to wake up at 7am, going to bed at 7am, going wherever we feel like whatever the time. Freedom.

All this excitement. Yet I left hubby today like, well like I wasn’t really going away.  Like we wouldn’t miss each other like crazy, like I wouldn’t miss her and like he wasn’t about to have an amazing yet eye-opening time for the next 6 days. I went into her room during her nap and tried to kiss her goodbye before I left without her waking up.
Epic fail.
She rolled over, looked up, saw me and started rubbing her eyes preparing to wake up. She was up. Waste not want not. I pulled her out of bed and hugged her as much as I could. Unfortunately she was distracted by the other person who was not holding her- daddy, because of course he was more interesting, he wasn’t holding her!

We took some pics and I was out of the house and on my way to the airport. I felt sick. I felt highly strung and zingy like i had too much energy. I felt dizzy. I had a tight feeling across my chest… I was resisting an overwhelming feeling to burst out crying. I felt really tense and anxious. I sat at the bus stop and welled up. I couldn’t stop it. I put my shades on (of course I was wearing shades I was on my way to N.Y. dahhhrling, a city that equally has no sun) and let a few tears go. On the bus I held my breath to stop the feelings. I didn’t feel guilty I was just so sad! It was the first time I was leaving her and I would be gone for a few days with little to no contact. Yep. Even as I write this at the airport after a couple of glasses of bubbles, I’m still struggling a bit. I even conscientiously chose not to sit in the same carriage on the tube with a baby as it reminded me of the amazing little person I was leaving behind. Suddenly I understood why when I went back to meet some old work colleagues who had returned to work, some of them found it difficult to be around the other babies.

Hell. At least the first time I leave her properly it’s to go somewhere fun like N.Y. rather than just to work. But God it’s sad. Oh yeah. And I hate flying.

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