6 months: No! I’m not ready

I’m not ready to give up breastfeeding! I’m not ready for it to diminish. I’m not ready to give up that caring, bonding time with my child. I’m not ready to stop feeding and supplying life from myself 8 times a day and being my child’s only means of survival. I feel strange, it’s like it’s just happened and it’s too abrupt for me.

With weaning comes a reduced milk in-take. Of course I know this. It makes total sense, but not only do I need to acknowledge this change actively rather than passively, once I have done this I also need to have time to let it sink in so I can accept it.

I started weaning around 4 months because I felt he was ready for it, because I thought he could do with being a little fuller and because I wanted to share the amazing world of food with him. So, slowly and surely he has been taking on more food and now is on 3 meals a day. He had been having a full milk feed at 7am from both sides, 10am, 2pm, 5pm & 7pm. Then I would feed him to sleep from just one side at 9am, 12 noon and 4pm.  A lot of milk. The last few nights after dinner however, he’s not been needing his full feed. 😦 This has been the feed where he’s fresh out of the bath, all warm and snug and I feed him to sleep. It’s a lovely time and of course a peaceful way to get him to fall asleep for the evening. Losing this time is quite sad.

I haven’t had it for the last 2 days. It’s brought ‘weaning’ – home to me. It’s made me suddenly very aware that he is becoming less dependant on me. With Lolo I was happy when this time came. I hated breastfeeding. It was painful all the way through to the 8th month. I sighed a breath of relief when I gave the final feed. But not this time. It took 2 months to get comfortable with feeding and it’s still a little uncomfortable but sooo much better than before. So I’m enjoying it more. It’s something that is part of my relationship with my son and, I’m sad it’s going. I love him and I associate my breastfeeding with how much I can give of my love to him. It’s not totally over yet, but it’s the beginning of the end and I’m quite sad about it all.

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