The Mat-Leave-Mourn

It was a sombre day yesterday. Literally a bit like a funeral. Highly emotional, all just a bit… sad. Constantly on the brink of a tear. As if to underline the mood, the heavens opened up and we had rain all. What a perfectly timed pathetic fallacy. Knots in my stomach as I know I’m going back to enduring & tumultuous times at work. It isn’t just separation from them, it’s a complete change in the way my life has been for the last 13 months. They will no longer be the centre of my world. In some ways that’s good and in others very saddening.

Lolo’s been going to the childminder continuously whilst I’ve been on mat leave which has allowed me to spend time bonding with AJ. So no real change for her. We’ve been settling AJ in for about 6 months, an afternoon at a time here and there and over the last 2 weeks he’s had: 2 whole days and then 3 whole days respectively. My first week back will start on a Tuesday which actually, is a fab idea. So this week AJ will be at the childminder for 4 days in a week. A nice settling in period. I think it helps that he sees the child minder at our house from time to time and that his big sister is there whenever he goes. So from this perspective I think he’ll do well.

It’s just me, I think. I’ll have the largest issue dealing with all of this. On the surface of it all, it all looks the same for the kids and hubby. It’s just massively different for me. I’ll go from having a baby attached to me, to nothing all day except for an hour at either end of the day… if I’m not overrun with work. Who knows, It might help me appreciate them more. But for now, it’s all just sad. Let’s be realistic about how this feels; I’m mourning the loss of my children in a way. Sounds over-dramatic, but it’s true. Second time round it’s no easier.

 

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